A kid quilt Artilce for Your ViewingHelping Kids with Divorce
Most psychologists agree that divorce per se does not necessarily cause psychological problems in children. Certainly, there are many situations where
divorce is necessary; but the fact is, there is no agreement among the experts on
how bad a situation must be for a child to benefit from divorce. Understandably,
the biggest worry and the greatest heartache for divorcing parents is how the
divorce will affect the kids. Here are some considerations for divorcing parents
for children in various stages of development:
Babies and Toddlers:
For babies, the impact of divorce is indirect. Divorce for a baby can be felt in
two extremes. When they are neglected because of the emotional turmoil of
the divorce on their parents; and when they are smothered because of the
neediness of the parent (usually the mother) during the divorce process. Avoid the extremes.
In the Toddler (18 months - 2 years), fears of separation can intensify and
the child may have anxiety around the many changes that are occurring in his/her life.
Boys, especially, do not do as well because they are beginning to identify with the father
who is often the one who leaves (in approximately 90 percent of divorces).
With babies and Toddlers, parents can be mindful of the need for consistency in the child's life. For the custodial parent, it is important not to over or under-parent the child. The impact of divorce is probably the least severe at this stage, but babies and Toddlers do feel the stress of divorce, even if they cannot verbally express it.
Preschoolers:
For all of the inquisitiveness and curiosity, children of this age can't really differentiate between reality and fantasy. Divorce can create much fear and confusion. If at all possible, parents should tell their children about the divorce together. Admit
to the child that the parents are sorry but they are no longer happy together. Also express
feeling unhappy about the divorce so the children will feel less isolated in their sadness.
Explain the situation to them in concepts they can understand and do not get into legal
or other issues that don't concern them
The very most important thing parents can do after a divorce is continue to be parents to
their children. Children will take the lead from parents who are consistent, kind, and
calming. Although the pain of divorce is felt most strongly at this Preschooler Stage, the
recovery time is also short. It is essential that the parents establish continuity by recreating their own distinct households as soon as possible.
Six to Eight:
Freud called this stage the "Latency". Anger, fear, betrayal, and a sense of deprivation
are characteristic responses to divorce of children this age. But above all, these children
feel sad. Easing the pain of divorce for these children is very difficult. But there are
some commonsense strategies to help. Some experts suggest that children in this age group be told 2 or 3 weeks before the expected separation. But this may not be realistic
given how divorce occurs. Since this is a particularly difficult stage (Latency), children
really do not want the divorce under any circumstances, so do not spend a lot of time
trying to make the children feel better. Just reassure them that they will be loved and
cared for by both parents and move quickly toward setting up separate, consistent, households.
Nine to Twelve:
This stage is "Late Latency" and carries both good and bad news. The good news is that
the child has the maturity to understand better and they have developed a world outside
the family with friends and activities they care about. They are likely to see the divorce
as their parents problem and not theirs. The bad news is that children is this stage are
just developing their morality and see things in black and white. They may react with righteous anger when confronted with behavior in their parents that they perceive is hypocritical. Kids of this age don't take the divorce laying down, they will be angry and will let you know it.
Most of this extreme reaction will be gone within a year. But it is important for parents
to address certain issues so that they do not hang on and create problems for the child
later in life. Defusing the anger the child has toward the parent he/she holds responsible
for the divorce is extremely important. While it is important to be honest, trashing
the other parent or engaging the child as an ally against the other parent is wrong.
It may not only prevent the child from moving on, it may backfire on the parent who has
poisoned his mind against the other parent. On a practical note, do what you can to get your preteen child involved in activities
with peers. This will help with self-esteem and will give the child positive input when
they are feeling angry and upset.
Teenagers:
Guiding teenagers through the upheaval of divorce is not as difficult as it is for
younger children. If the child is fairly stable up to this point, he/she will be upset
but not seriously disturbed by a divorce. Again, it is important to be honest. Now the
teenager is able to understand the "grey areas" of human experience. But, even though
teenagers can seem mature, they still need to have positive feelings toward each parent.
Again, do not focus your energy on vindictive attacks on your ex. If nothing else, it
makes you seem immature to your teenager, and can come back to bite you later.
We do know that the most important factor in facilitating a good transition for children
of divorce no matter what the age is the ability of the divorcing parents to get along.
Children who have parents who are respectful of one another and co-parent do much
better than those who have resentful, feuding parents. The overriding principal for
parents who are in the divorce process is to be appropriately honest and forthcoming with their children. Children are far less fragile in their regard than most parents realize.
What is difficult and confusing and much more difficult to handle is parental evasiveness
and half-truths. However painful, the truth fosters trust and gives the child the security
of knowing exactly where he or she stands. Divorce is a difficult process for everybody
involved, children will feel the stress of a changing family, but they are also resilient and
more able to cope with change than we may think.
About the Author
Dr. Jennifer Sowle, PhD., is a licensed Psychologist and Marriage and
Family Therapist. She is also a certified Sex Educator and Counselor.
Dr. Sowle's website, http://here-to-listen.com gives information on
psychological problems such as depression, anxiety, PTSD, and eating disorders. She also gives advice on individual, sexual, and relationship problems and shares case studies from her practice.
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